Sunday, October 25, 2015

I don't know

Most of the time when I write a blog post, I know what I want to say.  At least in part, before I start typing it.

But today, today I have no idea.

I'm at work, I don't want to be here.  I know, I know... No one likes work.  But I really hate working Sundays.. Saturdays too.  I miss my kid, I work so late.  He goes to bed  30 minutes after I get home from work.. and all this is really just me complaining about the job I'm lucky to have.

I have a domestic assault charge.  Years ago.. in a land far far away.. I plead guilty to slapping my abusive, jerk husband, while I was crazy pregnant.... I slapped him, I shouldn't have.  I learned a ton from my court mandated anger management class.  I learned to adore and love the teacher.

I actually saw her at my job one time.  She brought in donations, and I recognized her.  She changed my life. Quite possibly saved it lol.

If I hadn't learned what I then, dealing with my marital woes would have landed me in jail, very likely missing much more of Kits childhood than I already feel like I am.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Going off of something I saw posted today.

A bit over a year ago I was going though this shock of reality.  My husband of nearly a decade had decided he didn't love me, didn't want me, and wasn't really willing to give anything a try to stay together.  This had nothing to do with the 20 something Vegas girl he, and several other airman, had hooked up with on a TDY.  The fact that he was texting, sexting.. and pouring himself heart and soul out to her was immaterial... 

I told a woman I knew a bit of what was going on.  She had two darling daughters and I loved to watch them, do their hair, and play with them.  

I wasn't sure I would be around, on base, to watch them anymore.  I wasn't sure about anything.  

I'll never forget how shocked she seemed, how she just seemed, she just want to get away, from me I felt.  She told me "wow.. it never looked like that from the outside.  Looking in your marriage seemed great?"

Did it?

I was a fairly religious woman who had married a man who wasn't.  I had found my faith again, after years of hurt and wondering.  Leaving high school early I had made one mistake after another.  Wracking up thousands in student loans bills to attend a joke school.  Living in one bad situation after another while trying to work, go to school, and take care of the needy relationships I tended to pick up.  

At one point working four jobs, carrying a full time course load, keeping a great GPA, and having a live in, jobless, boyfriend express how much he just wanted to cheat on me. 

I  was close to graduating, scared, and not sure How I was going to make it in the real world. College was a cocoon.  I had so much student debt how was I ever going to do this?  

I met this lonely airman, who wanted to move out of the dorms.  His needs were simple and we agreed we might be able to work for each other.  But soon he was telling me he loved me.  Wanted me.  

I met him finally in person, after a few days he proposed.   The second time we met in person was a brief lay over between him flying somewhere else, we kissed, he made fun of my "ethnic" hair.. He went on.  

The third time was our wedding.

We got married, he was able to stay a bit, but had to return to his base and get things set up for us. 

Looking back things were already starting to fray before the wedding day.  He had learned of a relationship I had prior to us meeting and grown very angry, been "not sure" if he was going to call the whole thing off.  Very upset with me and though he learned before my birthday, decided my 21'st birthday was the day he needed to make about himself, his feelings, and his torment over learning about this relationship.

Now I was not "pure"  nor was he.  This particular relationship was not the first, or the last I had, come to find out.  But he took great issue with it and looking back I still can't understand why.

When I moved in with him, nearly a month after we said our "I do's",  it was bad.   He had no idea how to be an adult.  From bank accounts, to even just getting to work.. . 

When I got to his base, in fact.  He had not set up living accommodation for us.  I lived in the dorms with him for a few days, unknown to most.   I would spend the day at the gym hiding out in the locker room waiting for him to get done with class so we could walk back to the dorms together.   

He would eat at the chow hall and take great issue with me wanting to eat out.  But I had few options.  

We managed to get a room in the TLF that had a kitchen.  A friend of his took us to target and I got a wok set with a spatula, chopsticks, all that and a freezer all in one meal.  I thought I would make him happy, cook for him.. It wasn't to be.  He was hardly ever happy with me. 

Three days into our life together in the new home we shared he hit me.  Not just hit me, he beat me.  He took my glasses off my face and broke them in two, he grabbed at me ripped one of my shoes off.  Came at me with scissors and cut the high, half pulled though pony tale off my head.  

we didn't have a car then, I had no way to return home.  I left, vision impaired, one shoe off and ran from him to a home of people, I had met, maybe once?  When she had shown up at the the base house, two young kids packed in her small car, and I doubt very happy to have been ordered to come hang out with me, by her husband, via his friendship with my husband. 

She didn't want me to scare the children and got me into her bathroom, I sobbed and cleaned myself up,  I was bleeding and scared, my hair was gone... I was so hurt.

she offered to call the mp's but seemed very unsure what else to do.   

We were all so young, I doubt she knew what to do.  In those times the military member was not really quoted as having done anything wrong.  If military police were called, they would say the wife had a misunderstanding.  

We got into counseling and I stayed. with him.  

He got orders things got sometimes better for awhile.  

But all though the years, just when I thought I was safe I would feel his fist on me.  The pain from the hit, never hurting near as bad as the emotional wave that would start in me. 

By the point he left me, we had many many years of counseling, chaplains, classes, even legal at this point.  

So yeah.. not a great marriage.   

I had fallen face first into my religion as a way to cope. 

I hadn't exactly hidden what was going on.  But after a missed step of openness with a military councilor who took it upon herself to pull him off flying status until "the issue was resolved"  resulting in his extreme wrath towards me.  I was cautious.  I wanted help, I knew we needed help.  He was much better behaved when someone else was watching and hearing reports of our goings on.   Especially a Chaplin.   So we attended Wednesday night church/couples bible study.  He helped me in children church.  I was active in volunteer work and he coordinated his airmen who needed volunteer hours to help me. 

Things were so much better.  Yes I might occasionally get a swift punch to the back, maybe a shoulder.  But I wasn't afraid of him, not then.  It was more akin to a child who looses control during a tantrum.  

But he was never happy.  I was never good enough.  I tried to figure out how to be... but It just wasn't going to happen.

At the end he had apparently been keeping a list, for years.  On his work computer.  It had got to a point once, he had deleted it.   I think backing it up first.  But had realized if someone found it it would be an issue.  He told me it was because he didn't want them to think badly of me.  But I have to think he realized how crazy that made him seem.  

But he had started up again after he bombed a secret agent type duty interview he really wanted.  He blamed me, my poor homemaking, finance management, just my inability to be the wife he wanted all together. I had "kept him from being an officer".  He had no college degree. But I wasn't officer wife material apparent.  It wasn't long after that he cheated on me.  I don't know if it was the first time.  But this time I caught him. 

He really wasn't even hiding it.  He would walk around taking pictures and texting alllll the time.  He put an elaborate password on his phone. But then left it unlocked laying around the house.  He sent emails from the email account attached to his home computer.  Pictures of them came up on the synced iPad. 

So how was this a good marriage?  Really?  Did people really think a man who went out most nights, if not, he ensconced himself in video games or something else.  Who basically hated me, but was unwilling to talk about it or work on it... ever.  Was a loving committed Godly man?

He told his mother he wasn't honest in counseling because then we would have to talk about it, I wouldn't let up, I would talk and talk and just worry it to death.. 

(yes.. i do that, to me that is what you SHOULD do.)

I had changed everything about myself to be with this man who had hated me since before he even met me.  

So Facebook lied.  The look back pops up with "happy" photos of us as a family.  But we weren't.  

Now he comments on the photos of him and the new girl (sometimes even with my son and them) "see how happy I am!"  He want's me to know so much, that his unhappiness was me, it was my failure.  He loved telling me I had failed.  During the last month of our marriage he gave me a list of things to fix... I had asked...  They were things I could not possible fix about myself.. things that maybe didn't even need "fixed"  somethings, like my weight.  Had changed, but it was changing slowly.  I had been very large when we got together and now was just obese not morbidly so.  But I was working on it.  

He wanted me to be smaller then him before he went back to Vegas, I gather the new girl was.. though now that I have seen her, and all the weight she has put on since she got with him.. I doubt she will be for long. 

I was so often wrecked with the guilt of feeling he deserved better than me, better then I could be. 

I dressed up as Wonder Woman for Halloween.  I was sexy, pretty, fierce and strong.  So many people would talk to me about their overweight daughter, or so and so.  I even had a doctor once ask me, after we had known each other for years to a friendship level, how did I attract men?  she was battling weight issues herself and dealt with a husband leaving her for them she felt.  She was dating again and finding the rejection hard to deal with.  

I babbled something about confidence, that at the time I did truly feel I owned.

But now looking back.  How much of a self hating, low self esteemed, fool was I? 

I stayed in this incredibly hard, and abusive marriage.  I might say for the child, or for this or the other.  But wasn't it more truthful to say, because I thought I couldn't do any better?  Because I felt I was unable to provide a life for my own better then this?

I am still not Wonder Woman, not truly.

I'm still seeing this crazy not right mental state I was in.  

I'm waking up.

Here's to no more Facebook lies. 

Friday, October 23, 2015

New life

New Life, New start.

I fixed the toilet last night.  It has been leaking blue whatever, all over the floor since closing.  Its like it knew.  

I had cut off the water to it and just used the hall bath.  But a twenty dollar universal toilet kit, and hours later.  I have a functioning, CLEAN, master bath.

I bleached with that gel stuff, and scrubbed with a toothbrush.  I got every inch of tile and grout.  I'm dying to redo the grout but that isn't in the cards right now.

It felt so good to get a huge bucket of hot water, and a fluffy sponge.. just clean everything down.   I didn't stop there. I added some of that apple fabuloso, and ground cinnamon, to the water. Then continued out into the just swept, bedroom.  The paint flecks came up, off the fake wood floors, with just an inch of elbow grease.  The water was dingy and grey when I finished.  I just mopped that floor less than a week ago..

It was hard to resist the desire to go over it again, and again, till the water was clean.  But I just moved to the kitchen.  Used up the touch of chalk paint I had pre mixed.  Then made up another batch.  Got a coat on all the top cabinets and most of the bottom.

When I got up this morning I saw that back side of my freshly scrubbed pans I had left on the draining board, were covered in tiny flecks of white paint.  Guess I'll have to rewash  They do look pretty though.  with the light mint green color and the white flecks of thick chalk paint it looks like little Robbins egg pans.

I should paint the ceiling a milky mint green and feel like I'm in an egg.